Feels Like Home

We're finally home. Well, at least in our apartment. Sarita was released today. For just a few short weeks. But still, we're home. My baby girl is sleeping in her big girl bed. Her bed!

Juan and I couldn't be happier. Nothing is as amazing as putting our little girl to bed in her bedroom. And we're planning on going home. Back home. To the southwest. At least for a few weeks. We try to take full advantage of our time away from the hospital. But still being aware that we need to keep our daughter safe.

It feels good to be home. Plain and simple. I hope that soon, our little girl will no longer have to deal with cancer. We also hope that our dear friend, La Chiquitita, also doesn't have to deal with this horrible disease any longer. It's a tough road. For everyone involved. But to watch your daughter and your best friend both fight this horrible disease, it's tough. It eats away at your soul. And sometimes, you question life.

For now, I'm a happy woman. Our daughter is between treatments. And she's home. La Chiquitita is also between treatments. And on vacation! Mujer, I'm so happy for you! And we're heading home. To visit some of the most amazing people I will ever know. Tonight, I thank Mi Dios a few hundred times more than normal. ~C

'Rella

Around here, 'Rella is #1! Sarita just loves her. And of course, Prince Charmin'. It's nothing we've pushed on her. Rather, it's something that she just loves. And everyone knows it. Knows it with a passion.

Her Nana and Nono are always sending some cute 'Rella doll or outfit. Sarita just loves them all! So we thought it would make her decision easy. She was granted a "Make-A-Wish" wish. Sarita just has to decide what she wants to do. And that's our problem.

I guess I just figured she'd want to go see 'Rella. But her Nono works at Disney World. So that was out for her. Crazy, I know. And she just can't decide where to go. She's talked about Sea World and even a NASCAR race of all things! But no decision yet.

Anyway that we spin this one, Nono has come to the rescue. When Sarita is feeling up to it, he's talking her to the Magical Kingdom! Our little girl is very lucky! Now to just decide on this wish. ~C

Remembering

I came across Natalie's blog recently. And I've spent the last few nights reading through her archives. It's a really nice blog. Part craft blog, part family blog. I've been wanting to be more crafty. So maybe, just maybe, I enjoy reading her blog so much because I feel inspired. :)

But this post, it made me cry. It reminded me so much of our know "regular" routine. When Sarita was first sick, it used to kill me. Literally, a piece of me would die every time we had to take her to the doctor. Every poke, needle, test, x-ray, and eventual treatment...it was killing me. I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this.

When Sarita was first diagnosed, I tried to be strong. I needed to be strong. Juan needed to be strong. But it was so incredibly hard. Everything was difficult. She would cry when she went into her treatments. There were these skin crawling cries when she went for tests. And one day, it became too much.

Our daughter needed to have some tests. It was a day after one of her treatments. And that shrill. That horrible shrill, it pierced my heart. Juan was with Sarita in the room. I was outside. I sank to the floor. Face in my hands. Tears flooding over. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't pull myself together.

That's the day I met a great priest. He had been at the hospital giving a baby her last rites. And he found me on the floor. Completely falling apart. He managed to calm me down, and get me to a room to talk. Before my daughter found me upset and crying on the floor.

And over the last few years, I've spent an hour a week talking to him. Sometimes just random thoughts or events. Like taking Sarita to the Zoo. But most of the time talking about my daughter. Helping me to deal with this situation. I finally got to be honest with myself. and I got to talk things through.

I've learned that I'm not "Super Mom." That it's OK to show my emotions from time to time. It's OK to cry when my daughter is in pain. But most of all, I've learned to listen to myself. To honestly depend on myself, my husband, and our daughter.

I lean on the Lord more and more every day. I know that is very important. I've always known that. But I'm really starting to hand my life completely to the Lord. No questions asked. Being a parent of a serious sick child, it's beyond painful and difficult. But I know that I will do anything and everything in my power to make my daughter stronger and healthy.

Natalie's post, it just brought back so many memories. Mostly from those early days. From when I didn't know how to deal with all of this. I was never given an instruction manual when I became a mother. And most certainly, not when my baby girl became ill. But like Natalie, I do feel like the only possibility in this entire situation, is to be strong for my daughter. Sarita is the most important piece of our puzzle. We will do anything and everything we need to. Just so she is healthy and happy. ~C