Remembering

I came across Natalie's blog recently. And I've spent the last few nights reading through her archives. It's a really nice blog. Part craft blog, part family blog. I've been wanting to be more crafty. So maybe, just maybe, I enjoy reading her blog so much because I feel inspired. :)

But this post, it made me cry. It reminded me so much of our know "regular" routine. When Sarita was first sick, it used to kill me. Literally, a piece of me would die every time we had to take her to the doctor. Every poke, needle, test, x-ray, and eventual treatment...it was killing me. I wasn't sure how I was going to get through this.

When Sarita was first diagnosed, I tried to be strong. I needed to be strong. Juan needed to be strong. But it was so incredibly hard. Everything was difficult. She would cry when she went into her treatments. There were these skin crawling cries when she went for tests. And one day, it became too much.

Our daughter needed to have some tests. It was a day after one of her treatments. And that shrill. That horrible shrill, it pierced my heart. Juan was with Sarita in the room. I was outside. I sank to the floor. Face in my hands. Tears flooding over. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't pull myself together.

That's the day I met a great priest. He had been at the hospital giving a baby her last rites. And he found me on the floor. Completely falling apart. He managed to calm me down, and get me to a room to talk. Before my daughter found me upset and crying on the floor.

And over the last few years, I've spent an hour a week talking to him. Sometimes just random thoughts or events. Like taking Sarita to the Zoo. But most of the time talking about my daughter. Helping me to deal with this situation. I finally got to be honest with myself. and I got to talk things through.

I've learned that I'm not "Super Mom." That it's OK to show my emotions from time to time. It's OK to cry when my daughter is in pain. But most of all, I've learned to listen to myself. To honestly depend on myself, my husband, and our daughter.

I lean on the Lord more and more every day. I know that is very important. I've always known that. But I'm really starting to hand my life completely to the Lord. No questions asked. Being a parent of a serious sick child, it's beyond painful and difficult. But I know that I will do anything and everything in my power to make my daughter stronger and healthy.

Natalie's post, it just brought back so many memories. Mostly from those early days. From when I didn't know how to deal with all of this. I was never given an instruction manual when I became a mother. And most certainly, not when my baby girl became ill. But like Natalie, I do feel like the only possibility in this entire situation, is to be strong for my daughter. Sarita is the most important piece of our puzzle. We will do anything and everything we need to. Just so she is healthy and happy. ~C